Dating as a Plus Size Princess can be… interesting! Here I’ve chronicled all of my dating adventures here from online dating as a big girl, to the “BBW” club scene in NYC. Hopefully reading my stories will remind us that it is possible to find love at any size.

Dear CeCe: Should I Shut Down My Online Dating Profile?

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Dear CeCe,

First let me say I love your blog. I only found it recently but have devoured every single dating post.

I really need your advice because I’ve become quite disillusioned with online dating. After hearing great things from my non PSP friends I signed up a couple of months ago on POF and Tinder. The problem I’m having is that most guys are only after one thing. Some of them are blatant and come out and say it, which I almost prefer so I can move on quickly. But i’ve had others that I’ve talked to for weeks, thinking we’re going to meet up only for them to send me d*ck pics which immediately ended things for me. 

Related: What do Men think of Big Women

I’ve been on a health journey for a while and in the last few months I’ve lost 20 pounds and counting. I’ve got to the stage where I’m wondering whether to shelve the online dating and come back in a few months time when my curves will be more.. contained.

I don’t know if I have the energy to withstand the constant barrage of over-sexual approaches. It’s making me suspicious of all men and I think that’s unfair to the good ones who I know are out there. I’ve worked hard both emotionally and physically to love my self at any size, and I do. This is really about not wasting my time if this is the way things are going to stay.

Please help! UKPSP

Hi UKPSP!

I’ve answered your questions in a video, I’ve also got some thoughts that I’ll add below!

(For those asking, the Dress I’m Wearing is available here)

So as I kept looking at your letter something else stuck out to me. I think you also may want to just work on not “wasting time” with guys as you online date. Please read My Online Dating Mistakes for a few lessons I’ve learned in that department.

Ladies, do you have any advice for UKPSP? Chime in below!

Got a question for me? Hit me up here

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Thinking About a Brazilian Wax? Read This…

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Summer is here so, let’s talk brazilians! I’m answering all of your questions about taking a trip to Brazil. Thinking about a brazilian wax? Read this for everything you need to know.

Thinking About a Brazilian Wax- Read This

Q.) What is a Brazilian Wax?

A.) A Brazilian Wax is when you use wax to remove hair “down there”. When you get a brazilian, they remove everything from the front to the back (Yes, “the back”!)

Q.) Will I be charged more because of my body type? or how much hair I have?

A.) Nope. A big girl should not be charged more for a Brazilian wax. My Aestetician says that rates are based on the type of work (i.e. legs, bikini line, full brazilian) not the size of the person. If someone tries to charge you more based on your size, leave immediately.

Q.) CeCe, I’ve watched your brazilian waxing video a million times, but I’m still scared– HELP!

A.) I know it can be scary the first time, but finding the right person to do your wax will help ease your anxiety. Walk into a few salons and see what kind of vibes you get. Having good chemistry with the person doing your wax makes the awkward/intimate process of waxing so much easier. Don’t be afraid to walk away or ask for someone else. Its your body and your money 😉

Q.) How do I find a Waxing Salon?

A.) I always skip nail salons, I find that their rooms and processes are often a bit shady. I go to dedicated waxing salons or spas for my wax. This makes it easier to find someone who makes me more comfortable, if needed.

Q.) The lady who does your waxing sounds awesome! Would you mind giving me her number?

A) Sure, Irina is the best!! and I’ve sent lots of my readers to get waxed by her. Click Here and I’ll email you her phone number so you can make an appointment. Be sure to tell her that CeCe referred you!

Q.) What should I wear for Brazilian Wax?

You will have to take your clothes off from the waist down, so I often wear a dress so that I can just take off my chonies (aka underwear) and pull the dress up easily.

Q.) What if I have a tummy or big thighs, can they wax me?

Yes! I always offer to help, when needed. Sometimes, I have to move my chub out of the way and/or hold my tummy taunt. Saying “let me know if you need me to help” in the beginning tells my aesthetician that she wont offend me by asking.

Q.) How do they… um… get everything?

Getting a wax can often feel like yoga. Irinia, my wax lady has me in a lot of crazy positions so that she can get to all my “nooks and crannies”, for me this is why good chemistry makes things easier

Advice you didn’t ask for but I’ll give you anyway: Always remember, having a brazilian wax can make a girl feel very… womanly *wiggles eyebrows* I always try to make sure I get my waxing done at times when it wont affect my decision making on dates. That’s all I’ll say about that!

Watch my full video on going to brazil at any size, I blush through the whole thing lol

Related: How to Get Rid of Ingrowns & Shaving Bumps

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#theCURVYcon 2015 Recap

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*deep breath*

So, before I jump into my thoughts on the first ever #theCURVYcon conference, I’ll let you watch our little recap video…

 

I’m still in awe that this day actually happened. If you read the true story behind theCURVYcon, you know that we had about a year to put this together. My heart is full of gratitude for many people.

theCURVYcon attendees

Some of our gorgeous attendees

If you got a ticket and showed up solo or if you grabbed some of your girls and came in a group, thank you for coming to theCURVYcon!! As I said the other day, I don’t take it for granted that you girls see and understand my dreams…

theCURVYcon volunteers

One of our MVP volunteers passing out swag bags

We had a rockstar crew of volunteers (including Mr. Man *blush*) who volunteered their time to make our day run smoothly. Our volunteers were so friendly and kind to everyone and made people feel comfortable. Huge thank you to you girls!

theCURVYcon red carpet

Julie Henderson, Model | Kierra Sheard, Gospel Artist/Designer | Chastity & Me | Ashley Graham, Model | Victoria Lee, Model

The curvy community truly rallied around us. Kierra Sheard launched her new clothing line, Eleven60 with us on her birthday! Women who I’ve always looked up to, took time out of their day to attend theCURVYcon and hang out with everyone with no frills. Ashley Graham, Victoria Lee, Julie Henderson– thank you ladies, so much for walking our “flash runway” with our attendees just for fun!

theCURVYcon flash runway

Werk!!!!!!!!!!

Amber Riley theCURVYcon

Chastity Garner, theCURVYcon Co-Creator | Amber Riley, Actress | (moi) CeCe Olisa, theCURVYcon Co-Creator

Of course, special thanks to Amber Riley for being our Keynote Conversation. We did a survey asking who you girls would like to hear speak at theCURVYcon and she was the #1 pick, so the fact that she agreed to come is just… *hands up emoji*

Basically the point of this recap is to say THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

…and or those asking, yes we are already hard at work for theCURVYcon 2016. Become a curvyVIP here to get special discounts and early tickets! xx

theCURVYcon 2016

 

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Don’t Wait On Your Weight To Live Your Life

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As a plus-size girl, there have been so many things I’ve put on hold, telling myself that they should happen “next year” after I’d lost some weight. But then, “next year” came and went, and my weight barely budged.

Eventually, I asked myself: If I never lose weight, will I never live the amazing life I want?

Putting my entire life on hold until I looked a certain way sounded like a crazy idea, so I decided against it and born was my motto “Don’t Wait On Your Weight.”

I looked closely at my fear of embarrassment and rejection, issues that that kept me from trying new things and living life to the fullest. I realized that I was rejecting experiences as a defense mechanism so that I wouldn’t be rejected.

Related: How to deal with Rejection

Once I came to terms with my behavior, I began to challenge myself. Every time I felt myself shy away from something because of my size, I took a deep breath and walked towards the very thing that was scaring me. Read on for ways that I challenged myself — and ask yourself if some of them don’t sound all too familiar:

Don’t Wait On Your Weight…

To Date Online
I can remember a friend in high school telling me that guys don’t date girls who are bigger than a size 10. I took that rule to heart and was convinced that love wouldn’t find me until I found my way out of the big girl’s department. But, with my new motto motivating me to step outside of my comfort zone, I set up an online dating profile and ignored the negative voice in my head. I even put up a full body photo of myself and to my surprise — and delight — I went on awesome dates.

To Travel
Sometimes big girls have to push through seat-belt extenders and narrow plane seats to get where we need to go, but the world is too much of a magical place to let silly things like that get in my way. I’ve yet to die from asking for a seat-belt extender and pushing past that fear has given me amazing experiences like parasailing over the Atlantic Ocean and hiking in Runyon Canyon.

plus size hiking runyon canyon cece olisa

To Hit The Gym
Its easy to peep through the gym windows, see the chiseled, rock-hard bodies and feel like you need to drop ten pounds before you even walk in the door, but the gym is for everybody and every body. My health is one thing that’s non-negotiable and I’m not going to let myself feel intimidated by gym culture.

I know I deserve a healthy life at any size, and I work hard on my healthy curves journey. The gym’s just as much a place for me as it is for anyone else. Don’t rob yourself of a healthy lifestyle because you don’t have a flat tummy. Get some cute workout clothes and start sweating.

Related: Plus Size Fitness Essentials

To Wear A Bikini
I would have never thought in a million years that I’d be on vacation in Miami wearing a two- piece swimsuit, but a few months ago, I did just that, and it was the best trip I’ve had in a while. No one stared at me, no one laughed at me, and I even got a few compliments. I had an amazing time and I shudder at the thought that I would ever skip something like that based on numbers on a scale. Life’s too short to skip the beach!
plus size bikini cece olisa

Related: How to Pack for Miami (Plus Size Edition)

Admittedly, it wasn’t overnight that I donned a bikini in public or signed up for parasailing. You’ve got to start out small. It’ll get easier, I promise. On weekends, instead of pouting and saying “why go out and dance with my girlfriends, no one is going to talk to me until I lose weight,” I took pains to remind myself that I love to dance, and I wasn’t about to let my size hold me back. Reasoning that I’d be happier out dancing than moping in my apartment, I went out. I refused to rob myself of something I enjoyed because of how other people might react to me.

Once I consciously worked to break the habit, I learned that most people are too caught up in their own insecurities to focus on mine. I also learned that I am very good at imagining terrible scenarios that never actually happen.

If you feel like your weight is holding you back, I encourage you to start taking the steps to claim the life you deserve to live. The next time a social opportunity arises, throw on a cute outfit and go! Of course, you may face rejection or experience awkward moments (who doesn’t?), but you also might have the time of your life.

Read More of my work on Refinery29 Here

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My “Perfect Person” Doesn’t Exist — & Neither Does Yours

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My friend Oscar Limon, a playwright who’s navigating the NYC gay dating scene, shared a story with me about his recent (disastrous) Grindr date: After Oscar walked up to his date and introduced himself, the guy said, “Um, yeah — this isn’t going to happen.” The dude then made his point by abruptly getting up and walking away.

I sympathize with my friend; after all, who hasn’t been on a really bad date — or, in this case, been rejected before the date even started? Most of us have some version or other of this crappy rejection story. We meet people, and often quickly dismiss them without giving them a fair chance. Our attention spans are short, and, in dating especially, we sometimes move on too quickly. I don’t think there’s always something wrong with a quick assessment. There are times when we just know someone isn’t right for us — and it’s better not to waste time pretending it might work.

What I’m taking issue with is some of the criteria we use to decide whether a person is worth our time. Physical attraction is important; most of us can agree on that. And yet, I think it’s also important to try and see beauty beyond what we’re made to believe is beautiful. We can’t all look like Kate Upton or Beyoncé, but that doesn’t mean we’re not beautiful in our own right. Think about it: Have you ever fallen for a friend whom you weren’t initially attracted to, but, once you fell, were wildly, inexplicably crazy about — looks and all? That’s happened to me a few times, and I’m better for it. But, I know it won’t happen if we all instantly swipe left and only pay attention to our quick reactions to a stranger’s appearance.

It’s not just the quick appearance assessment (and subsequent judging) that’s problematic, though. Another big issue is our insatiable desire to see who else is out there. We’re so curious about what we might be missing out on that we often overlook what’s right in front of us.

When I first moved to NYC, every guy I made eye contact with in the subway held the potential for a love affair — fleeting or otherwise. Flirting was fun, and I was comfortable giving my phone number out when a man shared my interest. But, even though I had the intention of being open and accepting to the range of NYC men who crossed my path, what I ended up doing was making rash decisions based on some nonsense or other. If a guy had a uni-brow or a weird-sounding voice, I wrote him off. Someone better would come along, right? This dismissal was easy, because I always had my eyes open and was ready to make another move. I thought it was exciting to have multiple dates in one weekend. But, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t giving myself time to experience one guy before I was texting and making plans with the next one.

When I finally met someone to whom I felt deeply connected, I learned to my chagrin that he wasn’t ready to commit. He kept me at arm’s length while he stayed busy vetting available women, waiting to see if anyone better was out there. It stung. I had looked around enough to know that what I had with this guy was special. He also knew it — but he wasn’t quite ready to give up the “what if.” And, I realized the detrimental effect that too much curiosity can have.

And yet, in spite of this realization, as my dating life progressed, I found myself once again behaving badly in my online dating approach: If I was going to date online, I was going to find the perfect guy — one who fit all my must-haves. I refined my searches to the exact height, age, education, religion, and location of the partner I wanted. He also couldn’t have kids or be divorced. Once all of my criteria was in place, I hit “search” and waited. And, waited. My standards were so specific that no one fit the bill.

Of course, my Perfect Person doesn’t exist. No one’s does. If I kept holding out for someone who lived solely in my dreams, I’d end up alone. If I refused to determine what really mattered to me in a partner — thereby letting go of plenty of shit that was small potatoes in comparison — I’d be single forever. Changing my mindset (and my non-essential priorities) was crucial. When I threw away my silly “requirements,” I opened up to a whole slew of possibilities I’d been missing.

I used to only date guys who were over 6’2″. Now, my current beau is 5’11″ — and that’s just fine by me. Between you and me, the stronger my feelings, the taller he seems.

Read More of my work at CeCe Olisa for Refinery29

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Have You Ever Dated Someone Who Just…Vanished?

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Have you ever had someone “ghost” on you? I’m not talking Patrick Swayze, sappy music, and a pottery wheel. I’m talking about when a guy or girl that you’re dating just disappears off the face of the planet — and you’re left wondering what happened. If I have a first date and the guy never calls back, that’s not ghosting; it’s just life. But, if I’m seeing someone regularly and circumstances or feelings change, I’d like to hope everyone will be grown-up enough to communicate that. When someone ceases communication without warning and you never see them again? That’s a ghost situation.

My ghosting experience happened with Adrian. We had been dating for a few weeks when he asked me to be exclusive. But, of course, there was a catch — he also needed to take a month-long work trip to Turkmenistan to help save the endangered snow leopards. I can’t make this stuff up.

The idea of being exclusive right when Adrian was going to be gone for a month didn’t sit well with me, so I told him I’d rather wait until he returned. The night before his flight, Adrian wanted to sleep with me (one of the intimate perks that, for me, comes with being exclusive) — but I told him that wasn’t going to happen. He was respectful, told me he’d miss me, and promised to e-mail me as soon as he landed the next day. I never heard from Adrian again.

The first few days, I tried not to freak out. I went about my day with a quiet storm of thoughts running through my head: His flight was probably delayed. Maybe he doesn’t have Internet in Turkmenistan. Did I give him the correct email address? What if he’s getting bounce-backs? By week two, I was officially losing my mind. I called his work; when the receptionist answered, I froze. I could have said, “Hello, I’m calling to see if one of your employees was eaten by snow leopards, or if he’s ghosting on me, can you help?” Instead, I hung up the phone and called Ghostbusters, a.k.a. my girlfriends. We spent the night collectively trying to stalk Adrian over cocktails, but we didn’t have much to go on. We decided that closure was needed in the form of one final, saucy voicemail.

I put my phone on speaker and dialed his number. The number was disconnected — Adrian had really vanished. Now, I was angry. I couldn’t believe this was happening. After another round of drinks, we decided that the only thing to do was to offer an “R.I.P.” to that relationship and keep moving. I couldn’t make Adrian call me, and I couldn’t text a snow leopard to see if he had been spotted in the wilderness. The whole situation was out of my hands. I reminded myself that people do crazy things to avoid confrontation.

I decided that I wasn’t going to spend more time mourning Adrian than I spent actually dating him. I snapped out of my funk, and was suddenly grateful. The desire for a relationship can be an overwhelming feeling (more on that single-girl problem here), but I was glad I’d followed my instincts and pumped the brakes when Adrian wanted to be exclusive. Can you imagine how crazy I would have been if I never heard from my “boyfriend” again? I can’t help but wonder if his whole exclusivity chat was just a ploy to hook up before his month out of the country. Who knows?

It all boils down to trust, which for me, has to be earned. I really liked Adrian, but in the few weeks we had been dating, he hadn’t earned the trust required to be my long-distance boyfriend. I could have let my desire for the “girlfriend” title trump my desire to build a long-lasting and real relationship, but instead, I chose to stay single and let Adrian show me just how trustworthy (or not) he could be. He certainly showed me.

Ever had a guy ghost on you?

Read More of my work at CeCe Olisa for Refinery29

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