When Insecure Men Make Us Insecure: My Response to LOUIE on FX “So did the Fat Lady” Episode 3 Season 4

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When I was a sophomore in high school, I developed a crush on a nerdy freshman, with big teeth and braces who everyone called “Hee-Haw”.

I should start of by saying that I was a big girl who managed to defy all teen movie stereotypes: I was popular at my California high school, invited to my share of exclusive parties and I was asked to every prom.

I don’t know about you, but my high school was a funny place where the social “hierarchy” was quietly established and then followed without question. So when the crush I had on my little “Hee-Haw” became public, it shook up the status quo and two things happened.

1.) A popular upper classman who I was friends with, pulled me to the side after seeing me holding hands with Hee-Haw. “So, are you telling me you want to become… a ‘She-Haw’?!” he asked, running his hands through his hair. It felt like he was warning me that people would see me differently if I decided to date someone like him. I just laughed and explained that my crush was cute and funny and if that made me a ‘She-Haw’, oh well.

2.) A few unpopular (but skinny) freshman intercepted my little Hee-Haw as he made his way towards me and my crew during lunch. They pulled him into a corner, whispered and giggled while looking at me. It felt like they were warning him that people would see him differently if I decided to date someone like me. He broke up with me the next day.

I was secure enough in my popularity to date a guy that all of my friends made fun of, but my Hee-Haw was too insecure in who he was to date a fat girl. Oddly enough, being liked by a popular Plus Size Princess put Hee-Haw on the map and within a week he was dating a skinny girl who had never given him the time of day before.

I, on the other hand was emotionally bruised. He liked me until people found out… he liked me until people told him he shouldn’t. Better to date a skinny girl who used to ignore you than a fat girl who liked you when no one else did. That lesson stuck with me for a very long time… and it wasn’t until seeing this scene below from LOUIE on FX that I began to understand why I never became a She-Haw.

Before we look down our noses at my Hee-Haw for not being a strong enough teenager to publicly date a fat girl, I must examine where my crush came from in the first place. I actually had three senior boys who were interested in me (or maybe it was the DD boobies that came with my plus size body), I liked them too, but would never admit it. Instead I chose to pluck a Hee-Haw out of high school obscurity… why would I do that?

High school can be a fascinating social experiment. If physical appearance is social currency, then being overweight can put you into social debt.

 

Did I feel that my popularity and status was enough to get me invited to parties, but not enough to get me the boyfriend of my choice? Did I choose a Hee-Haw because deep down I thought my social status made me an upgrade for him even though my weight was a social liability?

Did I choose an insecure guy… out of insecurity?

The Hee-Haw was the last guy that I expressed interest in, his rejection stayed with me for a long time. When I moved to NYC for college and guys began approaching me, they were always very attractive, which was the last thing I expected (more on that in these posts: “Can a Big Girl Date a Hot Guy?” and “Superficial Fat Chicks and other Myths“).

As Sarah Baker states in her honest monologue, hot guys have nothing to lose if they date a big girl, they’re still hot. Its the insecure men who can’t handle it… its the men who are unsure of themselves that wonder if dating a big girl confirms that they aren’t as attractive as the next guy.

Unfortunately I spent too long letting insecure men make me feel insecure.

But here’s the deal: My job is to work on me, ditch the high school social games and place value on who I am at any size.

I can play the insecurity blame game, or I can keep it simple and know that when I’m confident in who I am I attract men who are confident in who they are… and that’s hot.

When Insecure Men Make Us Insecure My Response to LOUIE on FX

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  • Lisa

    Very insightful. Thanks!

    • thebiggirlblog

      Thanks for reading!

  • MaggieSnarkface

    And who wants to date someone insecure anyway?

  • Lizzie

    Preach! And you look gorgeous in the above pic, as usual!

    • thebiggirlblog

      Awww thanks Lizzie!!

  • practically stylish

    I watched this clip yesterday and my first thought was that I hoped you would write about it!

    • thebiggirlblog

      Wow, that’s so sweet! Glad I could deliver :-) xo

  • http://austinstf.tumblr.com slavetofashion

    Oh man, I really relate to this story. Granted, I wasn’t super popular, but I had issues with dating as a plus size woman in high school. There was a boy at my school who liked talking to me, hanging out with me, and making out with me. But god forbid he actually date me and be seen with me. We were friends in orchestra, but when his football buddies got wind of our friendship, he dropped me. Then he started some pretty nasty rumors about me just to make sure everyone knew that he didn’t like me. It’s really sad when someone else’s issues end up hurting you. I really appreciated her monologue because it pointed out an uncomfortable truth; it does really suck. It sucks when other people take out their issues on you. And it sucks to be treated like you aren’t worth it. But the truth is we ARE worth it. Every woman, every person is worthy of love and wooing!!

  • LenaBee

    CeCe i really like you. I think you’re an honest and confident person and if there were more people like you it wouldn’t be such a struggle to be be big and feel beautiful. People think if you dont look or sometimes even act a certain way then you’re below them. I think that’s sad and shows their insecurity as a person. As long as they’re not the bottom feeder than they feel assured they’re a step up from the worst :-

    I used to have the hardest time looking in the mirror and seeing a beautiful young lady. (I never smiled openly or wholeheartedly) i just couldn’t see myself as attractive :-(

    Im eighteen, i’ve came in to terms ofjust accepting myself. My gap in my smile :-), my round face, my body, my personality (you know, the works) and confidence has been totally new feeling for me but i like it!

    Sorry for the ramble, im not great at articulating my feelings. Hopes this makes sense! Lol
    Thanks for talking about this stuff, seemed like i was the only one going through this….

    • LenaBee

      Oops i meant rant or rambling…

    • thebiggirlblog

      Hi lovely… I’m SOOOO happy you’re finding your confidence and smile… You’re going to be unstoppable!!! xoxoxo

  • zen_reed

    Well this post put things into perspective for me. As a big girl with more than enough confidence and self admiration, I would and still do always go after the guy who is the less attractive one, the needy one, the loserish one.
    I would tell myself that it is in my nature as a Leo to crave adoration and I could only get that from someone who I felt was a step down.
    My adoration of self wasn’t enough…I needed unhealthy amounts of it.
    I’m having an epiphany/Oprah aha moment through your blog post. Thanks girl for the insight.

  • ankita soni

    Good to see the clip here. These types of things interesting for me in weekends. http://india.proximeety.com/

  • Amy_B

    Ah CeCe, Im playing catch up on your blog! This post is awesome! I wish I could have read it back in High School! I’d been too ‘scared’ to date for years … Now I’m embracing it, and myself, and having the best time doing it! I hope lots of beautiful young PSPs read this and own it!!!! xxx

  • ☠Jamiee♔

    That video has truly gotten to me. I’m a size 18, I’ve hooked up, I’ve just made out… But I just don’t want that. Most of my school-mates think and talk all about me, I get along with the athletic boys, I hangout, joke around, flirt etc. (Granted playing basketball and softball since I was a 3rd grader helped, yes even despite my size) Yet none want me in an emotional way. They think I’m just an easy, “do and dump” and that’s all there is.

    I recently, fell in love. Deep deep love, the kind that you don’t go 20 minutes without thinking about kinda love. He said he loved me back… I always wondered why he would never admit it to anyone else, and why he would get angry when I told my closest friend about it…. Eventually he told me he was embarrassed of what people thought and was afraid he would get beaten up like back in his middle school days…(I should have backed out right there) I thought I could help him get out of his fear, he wanted no part in it. So after having my heart for so long he broke it. He told my “best friend” he couldn’t go public with a girl like me. He wanted someone small and tiny and beautiful like her. She suggested that he should pretend to at least be friends with me… they ended up sleeping together. I dropped them both then and there.

    Now he is no young version of Brad Pitt, he actually isn’t all that attractive. I found great qualities in him, I thought he was perfect….So for him to sit there and call me ugly, really took a toll on me. It made me depressed, it made me want to go anorexic, bulimic, you name something to get a person thin, I tried it. How is it a guy who isn’t getting a shit-ton of girls after him, turns down a girl he thinks is fat and ugly?(He has chubbs, man boobs, crooked teeth, etc.) He was perfect to me, and for a guy to look, not like Brad Pitt, to stand there and call me fat and ugly… hurt.

    But now I think tonight I can sleep well, and not cry into 1am. I understand. HE’S the one who is insecure, and I’m so tired of feeling like crap about it. I am beautiful, smart, talented, and I finally realize it’s not me it’s him. So thank you thank you thank you, you just saved this girl’s mental stability and last piece of dignity. (P.s, I love your blog more than anything and im sorry this is so stinking long)