A Virgin Asks “Is He Playing Me?” (Curvy Conversations)


Hello CeCe!

I met a guy online. He messaged me first. We chatted and he offered me his number. After a week of texting and a Skype conversation, we met up. He was really intent on seeing me…tried a few times. I finally caved in on a Friday night.

He chose a loud bar and I was really confused about that…how can you get to know someone there? We could barely hear each other over the music. He also kept running into people he knew and didn’t introduce me once.

We decided to keep the date going and headed to another bar. On the way there, we were talking about mary jane (don’t judge me!). I think he thought that I wanted to get high. He started driving past our destination and to his house. He didn’t try anything sexual but I know he wanted to. He blew shotguns in my mouth (pressing his lips against mine) and wanted me to “relax.” I think he got irritated that I didn’t chill out…he drove me somewhere far away, why would I be chill?

Fast forward a few weeks. My friends and I were drunk and decided to play around with him. We sexted him (like the mature adults we are!) and he thought I was serious. He started asking for pics and promised to visit me this summer. I sobered up and explained myself…that I’m a virgin, that I only want to take the “relationship” to a certain point. He was surprisingly really sweet and understanding.

I saw him a few weeks ago when I was back in our town. He sacrificed his time and saw me before going to work (which I thought was sweet). I haven’t heard from him in about two weeks. We really don’t text like we did in the beginning. I thought that after our second meeting, we’d change that. He seemed really into me. Now I don’t know.

Do you guys think he’s interested? Does he want me to chase him since he made much of the effort first? Or was he just playing me?

Hey Miss,

First off, we’re breaking some major online dating rules here. No judgement on the Mary Jane, but going to a mans house on a first date? That you met online? and then getting high? That’s risky behavior. The minute he passed the venue where he was supposed to take you, you should have said something.

Sometimes when we’re on dates trying to make a good impression, we don’t want to be assertive. I TOTALLY get that but if you’re the type of person who doesn’t feel comfortable saying “hey, turn the car around so we can go where we agreed” I’d suggest you drive your own car on dates, this way you are in control of where you end up. I just want you to be safe, cool?

Okay, now on to your questions about if he’s playing you… Men are pretty straight forward. On your first date, this guy took you to a loud bar where you couldn’t really talk/get to know each other. Then he took you to his place, tried to get you to “relax” and sexualized your smoking with shotgunning (which sounds like kissing from what you described). Then he didn’t attempt to see you again… until you sexted him.

Because he’s been the same from the beginning, I don’t think he’s trying to play you. To me it sounds like this guy is looking for something casual.

Now, you didn’t ask my opinion on this but dating as a virgin can be complicated, so I thought I’d mention a few things on that subject:

-Telling guys that you’re a virgin right away can sometimes make them see you as a challenge, so they’ll stick around to see how far they can get with you. Sometimes its best to disclose that information after a few dates once you know how interested in YOU a guy really is.

-Try your best not to send mixed signals. I think its perfectly okay to be a sexual person and a virgin at the same time, but sexting a stranger and making them think you want sex when you don’t can confuse things. Its probably best to only play around like that once a guy knows you’re a virgin/knows your limits.

-Whether you’re waiting for marriage, waiting for love or just being celibate for a while, eliminating sex is a great way to date with clarity. Good sex often keeps people in bad situations longer than necessary, so use your sexless lifestyle to your advantage as much as possible.



P.S. I’ll be doing a Curvy Conversations event/meet-up in NYC on September 29th… save the date!

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  • prettykitty

    Trust your gut…you seem to have noticed the red flags right at the beginning (loud bar, not being introduced, etc), so know this isn’t going to go anywhere long term. Texting and emailing isn’t a full on courtship, its so easy to text or email, you can do it anywhere and anytime. But focusing on you when your on a date is important. If he can’t even do that, he isn’t worth your time or even worth you sharing something personal (that your a virgin – good for you!). Sometimes we girls forget that we deserve more!

    • thebiggirlblog

      Yes, exactly!

  • Dionna

    He’s looking for a quick thing, period. You weren’t willing to ‘give it up’, so he backed off until you showed the kind of interest he was looking for so he started up again. There were a ton of flags for me from the jump but I will say more than him I worry about you- don’t let anyone push you out of your comfort zone! I don’t judge but its a safety issue for me. As a single woman two things I look for when dating- does he express interest in me and do I feel comfortable with him. If not, it’s time to go. It doesn’t sound like a match and that’s ok, your king is waiting for you!

    • thebiggirlblog

      I’m sooo with you Dionna!

  • Frannie

    Ce~Ce you are always so right on. I agree with you 100 percent.

  • Emily

    I totally agree with your answer CeCe. Girls need to be careful about first dates especially with people they met online. if she writes back with her next move, please post. I would love to know how your advice was (or was not) taken.

  • happinessisme

    Yea, girl, if old boy wanted to get to know you it would have been done. Watch how people treat you, loud bar, his house, shotguns? Nah, that does not a relationship make.