I’m Not Hungry… No Really, I’m NOT Hungry!

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It was 9pm on a Wednesday and I was standing in line at Fairway on east 86th street.

My skin was glistening and my clothes were clinging to my body with perspiration because I had just put in major work at the gym. In my cart was a roasted chicken, 4 apples, a bag of spinach, two bottles of seltzer water and a box of frozen fruit bars. As I stood in line I was giving myself a mental high five for 1.) a super intense workout and 2.) walking by the nutella without tossing a jar into my cart.

That’s when I saw her… a fairway worker swooping through the aisles with a tray of cookies. “Free cookies!” she called out as she weaved her way towards the registers explaining to the clerks that the bakery had extras and she just hated the idea of throwing them away.

Before I continue this story, let me give you a visual (for those of you who don’t live in NYC). Walking into a grocery store on the Upper East Side of Manhattan is like walking into a Lululemon commercial. The place is swarming with men in gym shorts and women in yoga pants and racerback tanktops and it would be safe to say that I was the biggest girl in the store.

Of course, I didn’t notice any of this until the woman with the big tray of cookies began to make her way down my line. With every step she took, she offered a cookie to the customers in line on either side of her… they all declined by holding up a hand or shaking their heads and she moved right along to the next person. Then she got to me.

“Cookie?”

“No thanks,” I reply.

“Oh c’mon… you know you want one!”

“I’m not hungry, really.”

“They’re freeeesh!” she says, then she takes the tray of cookies and waves them under my nose so that I can smell them.

“I just finished a really good workout, I don’t want to ruin it,” I say.

“I won’t tell anyone…” she whispers with a wink.

I step forward with the line as I get closer to the check out counter. The woman with the tray of cookies steps backwards so that she is still next to me. At this point some of the clerks are watching.

“Will you please tell your coworker to stop harassing me?” I say to them, half-joking.

“Yo! she said no…” one of them says.

Finally, the woman dances away, but I’m livid. She didn’t push anyone else in that line to have a cookie and when I told her that I’d worked out, she attempted to bond/conspire with me by sabotaging me.

One of the hardest things for a Plus Size Princess to do is turn down food. Not because we can’t say “no”, but because people don’t allow us to say no. If I order light on a date, I’m told by men not to “be shy”… if I take small portions at a barbecue someone will whisper Girl, I know you want more than that!! in my ear and now I’ve got chicks chasing me down in the grocery store to shove cookies down my throat.

I know it stems from different things for different people; the first ways men show they can provide is usually through lavish meals/wine/desserts. Some people want to make sure you’re comfortable “being yourself” and that you feel at home around them so they encourage you to overindulge at their functions.

The woman with the tray of cookies was different though– almost like that skinny pal who orders something “bad” when you go to dinner… asks if you want to share it, then takes two bites, announces she’s full and leaves you to finish the chocolate cake/french fries/creme brule by yourself. I want to look at people like that and ask… do you want me to stay fat? But I’m scared that the answer might be yes. I’m nervous that deep down they feel like the bigger I am, the smaller they are.

I hate to sound paranoid, but things like this keep happening… so I’m thinking it can’t be a coincidence. The only thing I can do is stay aware and not fall into the traps. Go home, eat my roasted chicken and veggies. Drink my seltzer and have a frozen fruit bar for dessert which is much better for me than a cookie.

…Thoughts?? Does stuff like this ever happen to you?

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  • Amanda

    You know I have witnessed this a couple of times during my weight loss journey and process of working out. I hit the gym on my regular days of the week. Many people (friends or family included) will always encourage you to eat something that they know you shouldn’t. It does make you wonder if they feel secure with you being bigger than them.

  • momma carson

    ALL the time!!! Thank you so much for writing this. I feel like I have saboteurs everywhere. We are raised to be kind always and sweet in our responses, Sometimes I just wanted to curse at people!!! Get away from me with food!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/shannonikerd ShannonIkerd

    Umm, I’m finding that . . . in a lot of cases . . . the answer to “Do you want me to stay fat?” is YES! Because you’re dealing with an insecure individual. However, you can always purr for the waiter to bring a box, that you send home with her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1143339948 Julianne Ellice Bergseth

    same here.i seriously feel like i can relate to EVERY single one of ur blogs.

  • knottymelody

    I’m not on a weight loss trek, but I find that people feel more free to “overindulge” with me. It’s interesting – I sometimes wonder if they take my lack of deprivation into their own need for depravity. I probably eat better and get more exercise than some friends who habitually starve themselves for thinness.

  • Christen Phillips

    On days when I’m trying to be really good and its a stranger thats trying to offer the temptation, its easier to just lie. “Oh it looks good, but I’m allergic to milk, sorry!” situation temptation: averted.

    With friends who know about my trying to lose weight I tell them the truth. When I look at a cookie, all I see in my head is the hundreds of jumping jacks or hour it will take on the treadmill to burn it off again. to me…. it better be one darn good cookie, or its not worth it for me!

  • stephanieb

    I agree. I am a big girl and my boyfriend loves big girls and I am thee healthiest he has ever been with but I feel when I’m with him sometimes he wants to get me fatter because I bet he use to people not eating healthy so when we go to fast food because he is hungry and I’m not I feel bad. Am I the only one going through this?

    • HP

      My ex liked big girls as well (obviously seeing as he dated me) and whenever he’d come over we’d eat dominos or something equally as bad. After a while it got old but I still have to wonder if he always did this so I’d stay plump. I wasn’t on any weight loss kick or anything then but at the same time I didn’t want to get bigger. The current guy I’m seeing is much healthier and while he finds me “sexy as hell”, even with my cellulite and rolls, I’ve been wanting to get a little more toned up simply because he is healthier and I’d like to look even better than I do now.

      There are definitely “feeding fetishes”, I’ve actually come across posts on Craigslist advertising for this. Where a guy wants a big girl and essentially wants her to get even bigger. Weird kinks!

      • stephanieb

        I’ve seen that… feeding fetish on TLC… well I think he’s been with
        big girls who are unhealthy that its his habit. I know he wants to be
        toner. I feel odd because I have a butt but its not the HUGE he dated.. I
        see myself saying I’m not hungry with him.. but he has a habit of
        wanting something after we ate but then he listens to his stomach. maybe
        because of me.. I can see himself doing healthier choices because of
        me….. I know he loves me for who I am…but sometimes I feel insecure that my ass isn’t big enough for him…..Thanks for the reply,HP.

  • Mrs. Dee

    So glad I read this. I actually had a friend(who by the way is not much smaller than me) call me today to tell me about the “all you can eat pasta” at Olive Garden today. Now, Olive Garden is my weakness but, I have been on my diet for months(which she knows) and lost a total of 27 pounds of which I put 3 back on(which she also knows) and after recommitment to myself this week I took back off. So I politely declined the invitation, to which she responded “c’mon you know you wanna” repeatedly, and continued to whisper Olive Garden in my ear. I had to finally firmly let her know that I had a dress I wanted to fit by my birthday so there was no way I was going to Olive Garden. I actually look back now and realize that this is a constant with her and while I have always chalked it up to her kind nature I now have to second guess whether or not she is trying to keep me from losing weight.

    • thebiggirlblog

      She probably doesnt even realize what she’s doing :-(

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Wilder/705910364 Jen Wilder

    I cannot count the number of times my fully suared, diabetic inducing REGULAR COKE has been refilled and brought back to the table filled with DIET FUCKEN COKE! I get so livid! Also, the guy that works the SBUX counter that I have been to twice daily for the past 6 years without fail asks me “Is the 2% milk ok? Or did you say Skim?” (well before I changed to soy anyway) This a-hole knows full well that I didn’t say SKIM! It’s sorta the opposite of the cookie scenario but yeah I see it alllllllll the time…..also, when I went to a full figured event in NYC all the girls felt guilty eating ribs and fried chicken in front of me because I recently became vegan, they teased me and told me I hadn’t eaten all week etc even tho I was eating every meal with them…I just wasn’t eating pizza and ribs and ice cream and cupcakes with them, I could see how they were all feeding off each other and ordering insane items of fatty foods and eating all of it and still being hungry etc, it was a strange vantage point for me…again sorta the opposite but still, STOP JUDGING MY EATING BECAUSE OF MY SIZE! THANK YOU!

    • thebiggirlblog

      LOL trust me I have a post coming on the opposite end too… I’m with you on this too! SMH

    • Elle Bee

      amen!!

  • Tilly

    I’ve experienced similar situations, only it’s family memmbers that are trying to get me to eat more than what I put on my plate. For example, if I go to any of my aunt’house and limit my portions, my aunts will insist that I eat more because the amount I served is not enough to “fill me up”. I still get these comments even after I tell them I’m trying to watch my portion size, lol. Also, some co-workers of mine are notorious for practicallyputting doughnuts in my mouth, lol. they insist I take one and that I deseve it because “it’s Friday”. No thanks, I’ll stick to my fresh fruit cup :)

  • http://twitter.com/BloglifeNicki JaNelle Collins

    I’ve had this happen to me, more times than I care to relate. The most recent was at a bbq… My plate was eyed and someone actually spooned more pasta salad on my plate. I have had people in my life who are more comfortable with me being the “fat friend”, but the older I get the more comfortable I am removing those people from my inner circle. I want people who will encourage me with my goals not sabotage me.

  • Sherry

    There are so many saboteurs around me, but my mom is the worst offender! I know she loves me and brings me home treats because I enjoy them. But last week I had to actually say: “You know I go to the gym, right? You know I’m trying to lose weight, right? Can you stop bringing this into the house.” She felt bad, but sometimes you just need to get angry before people take your weight loss journey seriously. Good luck!

  • Jeniese

    Yeeeesssss!!! I often feel the same way. It’s so unnerving like they don’t even care what your trying to accomplish. I just had a friend ask why I was working out so much, I couldn’t even give an answer without being so annoyed.

  • Shannon

    This reminds me of a time I went to the cafeteria in college with one of my friends. We were at the sandwich counter and we both ordered a “vegetarian” version of a sandwich they had. First of all, let me tell you that my friend is beautiful…tall, thin, gorgeous. Well she ordered hers and then when I ordered mine the guy behind the counter says “oh come on, you’re NOT a vegetarian.” I was livid and definitely took offense. And here’s the other thing, I definitely wasn’t even fat then! Some people are just rude.

  • D Lovely

    Absolutely! People (women especially) love to build you up to tear you down. I refer to it as “Crabs in a Bucket”. Until you reach your goal, prepare for people to tell you to “Eat another bite”; “have just a little”; “don’t worry, you’re allowed to cheat”! As someone that’s lost a lot of wait trust me when I tell you not to believe them! Keep your eyes on the prize and pretty soon they’ll be asking you for tips!

    • Elle Bee

      Well said… I started to lose a bit of weight a while back (gained quite a bit back) and I was so surprised and hurt that among the people who were very much like this were my best friend and, at times, my mom. I’d like to think that they might not quite mean to do it, just kind of conditioned to. As women, we’re culturally trained to have that “crabs in a bucket” mentality and to do it w/ smiley faces and an air of friendliness. We’re taught that we have to constantly compete with each other and, particularly in looks and weight loss, we’re constantly getting messages that we need to top each other. So I’m trying to learn to just empathize and understand that the saboteurs don’t know what they’re doing… but let them know that their insecurities will not be my downfall. Hope that helps.

  • HP

    Um, wow, pardon my French but what a bitch! It almost feels like she specifically targeted you and was waiting for you to finish shopping to do this as a joke or something. I live in NYC and yeah, UES people don’t leave their homes without a yoga mat strapped to their backs.

    My grandmother was always the one who really focused on my weight when I was young. I’ve always been really chubby and my mom would put me on diets but I’ve always been a picky eater, I was taught from a young age to finish what was on my plate, plus I spent a lot of time with my aunt (since both of my parents worked) and we would go out to eat at fast food places. So all that combined didn’t help with weight loss, even though I’ve always been comfortable being active, playing sports and stuff. But my grandmother always pulled out the “no man will want to be with you” card. So I had to deal with that growing up.

    While I love my friends, I think it’s easier to have me be the fat friend because of course in comparison it makes them look better, whether single or taken. It annoys me to no end when they do the whole “I’m fat” pity party. I just give them a side glance and tell them they’re not, they could always be my size. I do believe them when they say I’m beautiful but I’m sure it’s more my personality than necessarily my figure. Thankfully one of my work friends recently became my new roommate and she’s TINY but she wants to get in shape and not have crap food in the house, so we’re kind of gonna help each other out, by making each other accountable, like if we suggest a craving for something bad, keep the other in check and say no. Plus it will be nice having a workout buddy!

  • http://www.facebook.com/quickchapman Renee Quick-Chapman

    oh man. Yes!! I can so relate to this. And youre right people want to feel like co-conspirators and keep you down at the same time. They want you to cave so they can feel good about themselves. I would of said you first to the cookie girl and then still not ate one lol. Good for you for staying strong =)

  • Elle Bee

    ***gasp!!!***… Omigoodness, this has been happening to me too but I’ve been pretty oblivious/in denial about it. But I’ll go a step further and say that what’s worse for me – and I don’t know if this might be true for others too – is that other PSPs I’ve hung out with who might be (a lot or just slightly) smaller than me or around my size are even more the healthy lifestyle saboteurs than the skinnier folks. For me, they are more the cake/cookie pushers or the “Let’s skip a day of exercise!” friends.

  • QueenBee

    And again this is a story which is so recognizable! I have been fat ever since I could walk. And when I was grown up enough to fill my own plate at the dining table, at least one of my parents always had to put more potatoes and more meat on my plate, saying that I had to eat good (which in their eyes meant eating large portions). And it’s been like that ever since.
    Friends who say “oh come on, you are allowed to cheat”. Or “don’t worry, it’s just this once!” every two days. In the end I just let them talk and think to myself “whatever, **** off coz it’s my food, my body and my life”. But it remains annoying.

    However, it comforts me very much to know that I’m not alone here.

  • http://xoxonettaP.com nettaP

    Oh I’ve been there. I usually have to hold myself back from saying something like, “You know what. If the cookie is so good why don’t you just eat them all. Get away from me you weirdo.” That’s what my brain is screaming. I mean, if I want a cookie I have a cookie. I can feel fullness, and sometimes cookies are great! But I don’t want a cookie when I’m shopping for dinner. What a strange woman. I don’t understand why people talk to each other like that or treat each other that way unless it really does come from some kind of subconscious let’s see if I can get her to be bigger than me kind of thinking. Have you read Intuitive Eating? http://www.intuitiveeating.org/ I highly recommend it. :) xoxo netta

  • MD

    I want to write a better comment when I have the time but right now all I can say is girl, I would’ve decked her for you. I used to live on the UES and I would’ve DIED if someone had done that to me at the grocery store. Her behavior was disrespectful, prejudicial, and downright rude. Unbelievable!

  • MicheleLeAnn

    Ugh, I hate when people act like this! Like, because I’m bigger, I’m automatically waiting around to be their human garbage disposal. You handled the situation with a lot more patience, and grace than I would have. I would’ve told the lady to get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks outta my face. I know how embarrassing this situation is, because it happens to me near daily.

  • http://twitter.com/DCAngah Danielle Angah

    I’m going to start my reply by saying I’ve given you a Fabulous Blogger nod on BlogHer!
    http://www.blogher.com/whole-lot-lists-and-fabulousness?page=0,1

    Good for you for standing your ground! I can relate to this post. Food is definitely a hot-button issue when you’re trying to be healthy. I had someone whisper in my ear about cake at a birthday party once. It’s annoying! I think some people may want to sabotage you–consciously or unconsciously–but I think, especially with food that someone has cooked, people sometimes feel like they’re being rejected along with the food (especially if cooking is a way they show love). I’ve felt that way myself, with things I’ve offered up. As much as I have to separate myself from the food I eat, I also have to separate myself from the food I cook.

    In your particular case, that did seem suspect. Why was no one else being stalked about cookies? Move on to the next person, or just box up the cookies and throw a markdown sticker on them, rather than throw them out.

    • thebiggirlblog

      Hi Danielle,

      Thanks for the mention on the BlogHer site! You bring up something I didn’t even consider… home cooked meals that are eaten in small portions can feel like rejection, so that’s definitely something I need to consider. xoxo

  • Ham

    Thanks for reminding me I have to eat more properly.

  • Eva Noller

    I get this sort of behaviour from people in my wider family – they push me to have that extra piece of cake at get-togethers because apparently I was ‘looking at it with longing’ (which I wasn’t). This after when I was hugging them hello I was getting comments like ‘you don’t seem to have lost any weight since last time’ and a ‘friendly’ prod in my muffin top. Families…

  • Tee

    I can so relate! You are not paranoid, that sabotage-like behavior is definitely a real thing. I think people get the idea that if you have a fuller figure, you didn’t get it by NOT eating a lot. So some people assume you NEED to have huge portions or are always hungry. When in reality, most of my skinny friends can eat me way under the table!

  • sari

    WOW! im soo glad you said this! On various occasions this has happend to me. It has gotten to the point where i don’t even hang out with certain people bacause they don’t get that just because i’ve heavier than they are does not mean i want to stuff my face all the time!

  • Caro

    Geez! That is bananas! P.S. I’m having roasted chicken and spinach tonight! Woot Paleo :)

  • Caro

    I think what’s worse about some of these stories is that people are still pushing low fat options because they still believe that’s actually better for weight loss and health. Gimme the full fat for fat loss, please! And they can keep their cookies.