I Don’t Want Your Boyfriend… Thoughts???

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I was riding the 6 train with two of my gays on Sunday. We were drenched from a spontaneous downpour and tipsy from a spontaneous happy hour in the East Village. Sitting across from us was a plus size woman and her boyfriend. She was on the heavier end of the plus size spectrum and her boyfriend was tall and lanky. Although they were in conversation and I was chatting with my friends, I could feel my plus size counterpart looking at me.

Occasionally I would glance over at her; the first time we made eye contact, I quickly looked away. The second time we made eye contact, she casually linked arms with her boyfriend then she reached over and touched his leg. Each time we made eye contact she gave me what my gays would describe as The Ice Grill (The Ice Grill = A dirty look that incorporates nothing more than a malicious blank stare). I could pretend that I didn’t know why I was getting The Ice Grill, but I did.

She thought I wanted her boyfriend.

Was her boyfriend anything special? Nope, but by the way she was acting you would think that I was Angelina Jolie and she was Jennifer Aniston holding onto Brad for dear life. In reality, this guy was a below average dude (“below average” because when he smiled, I saw that he was missing a tooth and you know how I feel about that).

So… why was this girl so determined to let me know that this lanky, toothless man was hers? I’m pretty sure its because we were both plus size, and honestly, I can’t blame her for being so territorial….

A few months ago I was at a party with Robert and his friends. When Robert and I are together people don’t flirt with either of us because they assume (for better or worse) that we’re a couple. While his friends were mingling and dancing with different girls, Roberts attention was on me. There was one bigger girl on the dance floor with her friends and instead of trying to flirt and dance with the available guys in our group, she focused on Robert. She spent the evening giving me her version of The Ice Grill and I spotted her trying to dance with Robert while I was in line for the bathroom. “That girl is really aggressive,” Robert said when I returned.

I shrugged it off, because even though the girl was rude to me, I understood her plight. I’ve only been 100% sure that a guy was attracted to big girls when 1.) I saw him at a BBW club/bar or 2.) I saw him romantically engaged with a big girl. If the girl could bank on any guy at the party being interested in her, Robert was the sure bet because, duh– he was with me!

As plus size women we often assume that men wont date us because of our size. Of course there are plenty of men who are attracted to PSP’s but they don’t walk around wearing “I ♥ Big Girls” t-shirts (and if they did, that would be annoying). I’ll admit that I’ve been jealous of a PSP with a cute boyfriend and secretly wished I’d met him first. Obviously the PSP at the party was jealous that Robert was with me and the girl on the train assumed I was jealous of her and her dentally challenged lover.

Its like a vicious cycle. But I wonder why big girls do it. Do redheads give other redheads The Ice Grill so that they wont steal each others boyfriends? I doubt it…

Thoughts???

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08524904005724917076 NIKKI JO

    As much as I hate to admit it, I often think the same thing. Then I also remember that my ex boyfriend was a good looking man (not just by my standards) and he liked PSPs, his now girlfriend is actually one as well. It just gives me hope that there are other attractive, dateable men out there who like us.

  • Anonymous

    Hm my ex loves the PSPs. So i actually use to kinda get a bit jealous when i saw a pretty PSP walk by us. Now would i glare her down? um no haha.
    Now what does sting is when you see that one guy you cant get over with his new super model gf! ouch! Thats when my glaring starts haha!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16630332880143415967 ShoeJunkie

    I know what you mean but I've had skinny women give me the same stare. It's amazing, especially because I'm not the home wrecker type at all. It's just about insecurity. Although to be honest, (and this might sound twisted) but I get a secret high when it's a skinny woman (and her b/f is cute) giving me the stare because I know I look super-cute that day ;)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16557832137656300210 xclusiveplay

    I've been on both sides. I've had goodlooking guys and I can see plus size or skinny women trying to steal his attention while with me. The same thing goes even if the guy isn't that attractive. I've also been the women that men look at or try to holler at while they're with their girl. Maybe she's in the store or in the bathroom. Plus size or not. The real fucked up thing is the women tend to go after u in that situation. Thinking u was trying to come on to him. But I hate that, they just think its gonna be easy cause your a big girl and u probably gonna spread eagle real quick. In some cases that may be true. For self-esteem issues and all.

    Great Post!!! Im new here and i would love to know whats PSPs stands 4?

    Please check out my blog when u get a chance, it deals more with plus size fashion.

    xoxo~SAMILLE
    http://thickdaddys.blogspot.com/

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15813457570305962936 Carla(LoverofWords)

    Okay this I have been dealing with a long time (and I am in my thirties) it is a vicious cycle and is quite sad. There are many different sizes and shapes in our plus size world and many men who love us. Just because you like a man does not mean that he is my cup of tea. And trust me ladies just because you are out with your man and I see he with you, does not mean that I am gonna be jealous. I have dated many men in my lifetime and half of them I still can not get rid of. Just be yourself and if you are truly secure with who you are you won't be worried about who is looking at your man nor will you be that sad chick trying to strong arm a man because you know he likes the big girls. Men do not like women who are aggressive in that way. And it is not sexy you look desperate.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17421521008838641070 Carmella

    I've seen this happen quite a few times but if it helps, its not just plus sized women, I think its just women in general.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11858532419311526011 The

    @LoverofWords: You have it — both the right idea, and the alluring sense of self and confidence which everyone else wants. In a way, both men and women want you have — just in different ways.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11535284054603002882 janelle

    i'll co-sign what carmella said.
    maybe i'm fortunate,
    but i've never experienced this before.
    at the root of it,
    like you said,
    is insecurity.

    whenever i see a big girl with a cute dude,
    i'm happy,
    and thinking "chick, work!
    do you!"

    another great post!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08072366709639932651 IntrigueMe

    I think this is riddiculous. I've never tried to steal (or even flirt with) ANY other girl's boyfriend nor have I (that I was aware of) had it happen to me. Then again, I sure don't live in NYC. Are PSP loving dudes that hard to come by that we have to resort to this? Where is the fellow PSP respect?!

  • http://viethewonderingnomad.wordpress.com/ Vie

    This has definitely happened to me before – but not just with PSPs. I'm with ShoeJunkie on this; ultimately, it comes down to self-esteem issues. Lots of women have self-esteem problems, but PSPs probably have more of those, on average. I know that it sure took me a long time to get over mine. I have seen girls get inappropriately flirty with guys I've been with, but even more often, I'll get an evil glare.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15479980691366086356 Punky

    Yeah I'm pretty sure this happens with all women. Because in a related context. my mom used to tell me how she would get dirty looks from Black women when they'd see her with my dad. (She's Italian and my dad is Black.) Because she was told by one that they're sick of "white women stealing all the good black men."

    But I don't doubt the validity of it happening specifically in the PSP world also.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06993214291959211566 Len

    it's awkward but so true… thanks for speaking on this very taboo but needed topic. hate to admit it but i've probably exhibited fellow psp-jealousy at one point or another…and it was prob subconscious most of the time. the fact is, the dating pool is harder for us than it is other girls…talking openly about it and trying to figure out a solution is how we get beyond.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08118166101258845293 Kemi

    Yess.. I've definitely gotten the stinkeye when some random guys GF is a fellow PSP. I don't know why we feel the need to give other ladies evil stares. I would hope your man loves you and respects you enough to NOT cheat..

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  • Shay

    Girl bye, i get that look all the time. Like why are you so focused on me. I dont want your man. And I get the stares when I’m out with my co-worker, we arent dating but them girls stare me down like “how did I get him:” i just dont understand. Some females are too much

  • http://twitter.com/DdotCdot Dwann C.

    Meh. I don’t pay folks any mind, unless they cross the line.

  • MsDiva

    Just had a similar situation to your “party” experience. While on the C train platform in Brooklyn, my fiance and I are being our usual silly selves, happy and goofy. And we both noticed a beautiful PSP, trying her hardest to catch his attention – while unsuccessfully trying to hide it from me. We both laughed it off, and both commented on how physically attractive she was. And my love said, “She’s so pretty, why doesn’t she just try to get someone who’s single, she can have him all to herself. I’m alot to share..” LOL, ridiculous. Both him and those insecure women.

  • Jessi Love

    It’s probably because of how insecure a lot of big girls are. I mean, I know I boast this almighty confident attitude towards others but in reality I’m one of the most self conscious people I know. I have a hard time hearing my boyfriend talk about girls he thinks are “hot” because they are the polar opposite of me, luckily he took note of that and stopped saying stuff like that…. Anywho, I would think big girls who have boyfriends that are cute or skinny, or aesthetically pleasing in whatever manner, they hold on for dear life because they think the chances of them finding another guy like that are slim and a hard road to go down. Not to mention the aftermath of said guy potentially finding a girl that is smaller or blonder, or what have you… That wont feel too good either….

    Societies view on beauty sucks, and so do the repercussions of it >.<

  • Dani of Ambitious Curves

    I deal with this foolishness a lot. It is frustrating to get mean mugged or the “Ice Grill”by other plus sized women. I’ve started to compliment other plus sized women instead of returning the dirty looks. That seems to put the woman at ease or at least catch her off guard and entertain me.