Over the weekend I was laying out in the sand with my girlfriends and we were talking about men and dating in general when one of my friends casually mentioned that she didn’t have any dating horror stories. I’ve been back for a few days now, but can’t stop thinking about what she said because lately I feel like I have nothing but dating horror stories.
Remember the guy who told me that he lived in a shelter? Well, upon further questioning I found out that not only was he homeless, he’d been a working homeless person for over three years. And if that wasn’t enough; he explained that because of his lack of stability, very few women want to deal with him (duh!) and so he sometimes turns to Transgendered men/women when he needs *ahem* …affection.
I’ll give you a minute to let all of that sink in.
When I found all of this out I immediately called my best friend, Adam. “Oh my gosh, CeCe!” he laughed, “Why does this stuff always happen to you?” I wanted to laugh too, but I couldn’t. I started to wonder why this guy (knowing all of his issues and baggage) saw me on the crosstown bus and thought I would be the type of girl who would date him. Could it be that he looked at me, with my yellow dress and my hair curled for the Easter holiday and thought to himself …that looks like a girl who wouldn’t mind dating a Homeless Tranny Chaser!
I mean, he didn’t even bother to lie to me, he laid all of this garbage out within 72 hours of getting my phone number and when I told him I truly wasn’t interested in talking to him anymore, he had the nerve to say “you know, with the right woman by my side I could really turn my life around…”
I’ve heard guys talk about women being “out of their league” for a variety of reasons like looks, profession or family background so I know they think about these things. I am a pretty open person. I’ve dated white collar and blue collar guys. I’ve dated men with and without degrees. I’ve dated men who had nice things and men who were struggling. I don’t walk around thinking I’m too good for anyone, but this is a case where I feel like he should have known that I was out of his league because until he addresses his homelessness and his attraction to women with a “little something extra” every girl in New York City is out of his league.
A man (protected by the veil of anonymity) left this comment on one of my posts the other day: as a tall man who takes care of his appearance (and teeth!) I just can’t take seriously a women who is overweight…I would never ever date a women who is overweight… poor men date overweight women, attractive men with means chose the hot ones. Is it my weight? Did he see me and think that because I’m a big girl I would be desperate enough to accept his lifestyle?
I have a couple of women I like to call my “Blogging Big Sisters” and I reached out to two of them for their take. They’re both beautiful New York City women and weight isn’t something they struggle with, so I thought maybe they’d give me their answers to my question: Are The Men I Attract a Reflection of… Me? Here’s what they said (you can read more on their blogs)
HowVeryLucky says: This is a topic I have been muddling over from the moment I received my very first e-mail communication upon re-entry to the online dating world. My profile hadn’t been up for twenty minutes before Summerskirts had written me. He was a married cross-dresser in search of a “special friend”. At first I take this all in stride. But over time, it starts to feel defeating. It becomes hard to keep your head above water. To remember all the wonderful things about yourself. You recite your mantra – if you have one (which I don’t, but OK) – I’m smart, pretty, gainfully employed, funny and, in a nutshell, a great catch. So why are the only guys playing the outfield (or even the infield for that matter) men that I would never consider dating? In the mirror of Internet dating, am I the reflection staring back at Mr. Too Old For Me Suburban Mom-Jeans? Suddenly I start to feel like my blue book value just went down by the thousands. I feel sad and disappointed and undesirable. And then I realize something else. Maybe it’s not a mirror. Maybe instead it’s a portrait or a work of art. Rather than allowing it to make me feel badly, I should be flattered that these men find me attractive and interesting enough to write, even though they’re not at all who I want. (read more here)
KB_IN_NYC says: Are the men I attract a reflection of….me? In a word, yes. But also….no. Let me explain. I believe wholeheartedly in the notion that what we put out is what we get back, and this is no different when it comes to attracting people. I seem to do pretty well (if I do say so myself) when it comes to friends, business relationships etc. The sticking point, as always, is dating and men. Two nights ago I went on a date. I wasn’t overly excited about it but we ended up having a really good time; he got a bottle of great wine, we ordered cheese, drank champagne. It really was all I could’ve asked for but still, I’m like Uhm. Not sure. I also discovered he has a hairy back (which is so a story for another time). Thing is I hate hairy backs, like completely hate them. And then I start to think, holy crap is this man with a hairy back a reflection of me? I’m kidding about the hairy back (kind of), but I think you get my point. We have a lot of stories that we tell ourselves, and it’s hard not to get despondent when we are not attracting the people that we would like, or feel we deserve. But, if I step back – if I stop with the voices and the self doubt – I know that I am not the sum total of the men who want to date me (or at least I hope to hell I’m not). Sure, maybe I’m attracting experiences that I don’t want but that’s more about me than them, isn’t it? (read more here)
Both of my Blogging Big Sisters bring up some good points and although I’m obviously still struggling with this, its nice to know that these things aren’t just happening to CeCe, The Big Girl.
To be honest, I think my ego is bruised. For me when the dating “mess” hits the fan, it always comes back to my weight. I start to tell myself that these things wouldn’t happen if I were thin. But maybe I should consider that maybe these “bottom feeder” types have nothing to lose so they’re just more forward and outrageous and therefore I encounter them more… but I don’t know.